There was no getting out of it now, we were completely alone. A part of me was excited but most of me was scared. My heart was thundering loudly in my ears. I had daydreamed about this moment for a year. But what if he thinks I’m a bad kisser? What if he’s a bad kisser?
“It’s okay Tawni.” He says as if he knew exactly what was going on in my mind.
I take a deep breath and inch closer to him. I want this, I want him, I love him, and he loves me. He pulls me closer to him looping his arm around my waist. With his other hand he lifts my chin. He looks right into my eyes for what seemed like forever. And before I could break the stare he presses his lips gently against mine. I freeze up not moving my lips or closing my eyes. He parts my lips with his and tightens his arm around me as if to wake me up to what was happening. I let go of the ramblings going on in my mind, close my eyes and melt into him. Wrapping my arms around his neck he deepens the kiss. My whole body was tingling, was this the fireworks that I’d read about? He pulls himself from me and starts to smile. Maybe he was feeling it too, that intense elation. I want to jump for joy, but instead I just say what was causing my joy.
I hope you know I think of you often. Everytime I see a new couple getting engaged and married I wonder when it will be our turn. But as we both wait for God to bring us together, I do hope that you are spending your time glorifying Him. I pray that He is molding you now, while he is molding me. So that when we come together we shall be a marriage that is pleasing to Him. I wonder if you are praying for me the way I pray for you. Do you ever doubt that I exist? I admit sometimes usually late at night I do feel some doubt. It’s not that I have been waiting a long time or anything, it’s just that I am a peculiar girl with a peculiar set of interests. And I have never met anyone of the male species who have moved my heart and shared my interests. I believe that is because God is saving me for someone who I can share my passions with and truly understand them. At least what my heart wants so desperately to believe. I must warn you that at night when I’m left alone to my thoughts I question nearly everything I believe, I don’t know why. I’m always dying to have conversation with someone who will assure me that I’m overthinking things as usual. One day you will that person I talk to. Anyways I suppose I wrote this later because I’m affirming to myself that you are out there. And when we meet I hope you will be so tuned into God’s voice that you will have no doubt of who I am. Until the day comes be at peace when the loneliness comes that I am out there praying for you.
I found you in the woods at the edge of the lake, staring into the distance, your mind faraway. Always the gallant soldier you took the worries of others on your shoulders. Your hands, scarred by the violence of war, were rubbing together furiously. It was almost as if there were some invisible substance on them you wanted to get off. I stood there for several minutes wondering what I should do or say. It always seems my words of comfort did nothing to help you. All I wanted was to help you carry the weight.
A snapping twig under my feet shook you from your trance. In my eyes I begged you to tell me your worries. But your hard eyes stayed steady-looking at me, you were not going to confide in me. Instead you smiled as to tell me not to worry and that you had everything under control. You waved me over to sit beside you and as I walked towards my heart was breaking. A little for the rejection of your confidence, but mostly for you. How much can a man bear before he breaks?
It was like she moved within two planes of existence. She was constantly flipping between both planes, not knowing which one to live in. Loving her was like loving two women at the same time. Each day I came home to her I did not know which woman would be there. She was wild but well-mannered, selfish but selfless, confident but insecure, kind but cold, fragile but firm.
Still, what I loved most was when she was all of those things at the same time. When she melded the two sides of herself together, it was there she became gold. Not second guessing herself but embracing every paradox within her, it was there she shined like the sun. That’s how she was when I fell in love with her.
If you look around my room you won’t find anything with much value. You’ll see dozens of books and magazines, an old laptop, and a fair amount of jewelry. It’s nearly all costume jewelry I might add. I haven’t had the opportunity to purchase anything real for myself. There’s only one genuine piece of jewelry among it all, a gold heart-shaped locket given to me by parents many birthdays ago. I remember when I first saw it in the box. I closely examined the roses engraved on the front, I rubbed my fingers on the smooth back. It was exactly what I wanted. I had recently become obsessed with lockets after reading a book where the main character had one. It was her prized possession because it held the pictures of the family she’d lost. And so I wanted one too, not because I had lost my family but because I wanted to keep them close. I was so happy when my Dad finally put pictures inside it. The gift was finally complete. On one side a picture of my Mom and the other side my Dad, it was perfect. I told myself I’d never take it off, and for a while I didn’t. But being the fashionable girl I was, I realized gold lockets didn’t go with everything. Now here it is 10 plus years later and I’ve managed to hold on to it. It’s survived numerous moves within 3 states. For a person as disorganized as I am that is really a feat. I don’t where it much these days, it needs a new chain. But it’s still as beautiful as the day I received it.