This past Christmas I was given a gift by a dear friend. It was a book called “642 things to write about” by the San Francisco Writers Group. And just like the title says there is 642 writing prompts inside. I highly recommend it to the writers out there. A lot of the prompts are very thought provoking. I thought I’d share my response to one of them.
“How do you feel about love these days?”
I assume that the prompt is referring to romantic love. Truthfully my attitude on romantic love is a little somber. Love to me is like a palm tree in a vast desert. And I’m a weary traveler whose been walking the desert for many miles. I see the palm tree in a distance and I think to myself “There’s a chance that the palm tree could actually be real and not a mirage.” But I’m afraid to run towards it for fear that it is just a mirage. In other words I know that love is real a thing but it seems so far off that I wonder if it will ever be a reality for me. My rational brain knows God put this desire in me to be in love and to get married and He always delivers on his promises. But sometimes my irrational heart thinks otherwise. Sometimes I say to myself “I’m not ready to be married right now so why does it matter? I’m still young, I have plenty of baby bearing years ahead of me.” Yes that’s true but then why do I think about it almost everyday? Perhaps it’s because I have never really been in love. Yes I’ve uttered those 3 words to someone but I did not mean them. I’ve trusted and deeply cared for but never truly loved. It’s everywhere you look, in the movies and on the radio, somebody is either falling in or out of love. I can’t help but be curious about this powerful thing that has such an affect on life.
So how do I feel about love these days? Conflicted, because my head says “Be patient it, will happen”. But my heart says “Hurry up and find me someone to love.”
Break ups, we’ve all been there right. They’re not pleasant but sometimes they end up serving another purpose. Most times (at least for me) it’s in pain that we are inspired to create. Some paint, some create music, I write. Whether you’d call it poetry or prose, everything in my heart becomes words. So I don’t regret that relationship, it served it’s purpose. So here it is the poem inspired by the first boy who ever broke my heart, I call it “The End.”
I have shed many tears for you in the lonely moments of the night. I have writhed, sobbed, and bled for you with only God as my audience.
I declare today the end of my struggle. I declare today the end of my pain.
Not one more tear will me leave me if you are behind it. Not one more sleepless night if you are the cause.
My heart is cold to your plight. My body is cold to your touch.
Goodbye to the one who only took from me. Goodbye to the one who never truly cared.
It’s not life. If I have no faith or hope for the future, then I might as well find a nice dark corner in which to keel over and die. What is the point of living if there is no hope for the future? I know life can pull you down in the mud and it feels as if you’re sinking deeper and deeper. But even in the bleakest of moments God is still working on your behalf. I have had times in my life that were pretty gray. I was in pain in my physical body as well as my soul. I could hardly gather the strength to walk. I needed God to move in my life desperately, I cried to Him nearly every night. The only thing that kept me going was my faith that God was going to deliver me. And that this extremely difficult time was for a purpose. I knew God was building me to be a stronger and more faithful person. I had to keep believing that or let the world bring me to my knees. That doesn’t mean that I just sat back and waited for things to change. I made a conscious effort to change my circumstances. And after I did all that I could do in my human power, I let God take care of the rest in His supernatural power. I admit there were moments where I wasn’t 100% positive that God would see me through it. But I remember His word, Psalm 38:2 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.” God wants us have the best possible lives. Lives full of purpose and promise, not full of depression and bitterness. Jesus did not die on a cross so we could just muddle through life while slowly dying on the inside. Why not put your faith in Him? What is the alternative? The only other option is waiting for death.
Picture it, a high school classroom in 2007, there’s a girl sitting near the back of the class ear buds in her ears and nose deep in a book. Now picture another girl sitting next to the first girl reaching over and pulling out one of her ear buds.
“What are you listening to?” she asks. The ear bud is not even completely in her hear before she pulls it away. With a very shocked and confused look on her face she stares at the girl.
“What is that?” she she says.
She wasn’t expecting the heavy guitar riffs she’d heard coming out the ear bud.
The girl snatches her ear bud back and says.”A rock band I like.”
She continues to stare with that surprised look.
You might wonder why was she looking at the girl with such surprise? Well the girl listening to the music was black and so was the other girl. Some of you might say so what she’s black and she listens to rock music? Well I’m hear to tell you that blacks listening to rock isn’t really a common thing. I still hear things like “That’s white people music.” or “Do you think your white?” Just because a majority of rock music are white artists doesn’t mean I shouldn’t listen to it. And that doesn’t make it a “white music”music is universal, it’s for everybody. I love all kinds of music, and I do mean all kinds. From country to techno and everything in between. Growing up it seemed I never fit into the box of the typical black female. I wasn’t listening to the music they were listening too, going to see the movies they were seeing, or even dressing like they were. While they were out partying I was in the house watching old black and white movies on TCM. I shared that story to say that society is always going to try to put you into a box. Okay you’re a black female of a certain age that means you should like hip hop and acrylic nails. Or you’re a white male from the south you should be interested in country music and hunting. But we are more than the stereotypes that the world pushes on us. I will never be what the world expects me to be, and I’m okay with that. It took me awhile to get to there, but I can really say I love being me.
Just for fun here is the actual song I was listening to when that girl pulled that ear bud from my ear.
Today is the first day of 2015, and just like every year, 2014 seems to have flown by. It was a good year mostly. There was some trouble at the beginning but overall it was amazing.
Here are some of my wins of my 2014
I probably forgetting some stuff but nonetheless I can honestly say this was my best year so far. I did more new things this year than ever before. I also realized this year how many people care about me. The love I received on my birthday was almost overwhelming. Not only do I have my immediate family but I have a large circle of friends and coworkers who’ve become my extended family.
I don’t usually make New Years resolutions but this year I am. My only resolution will be to write more. Hence this blog. I want to use more of my time for my passion. I don’t know exactly what 2015 will hold but I know with God above me and my loved ones beside me it will be everything I want and more.
So I have a blog. I got this blog completely on accident. The video ministry I’m apart of Light the Fuel started a blog and in order to be a contributor I had to have my own account. So here I am. Truth be told I have bounced around the idea of having a blog in my head for about a year now. I fancy myself a writer and every writer should have a blog right? But then I thought, what the heck would I write about? I also thought who the heck would read it? I don’t particularly live a super exciting life, I’m a mostly normal girl. I live, I love, I laugh. I’m also a pretty private person, anybody who knows me would say there’s a long process in getting to know me. So how I am I going to have a blog? Bloggers put their lives on display. Some reveal more than others but still they’re thrusting themselves into the public eye. That doesn’t sit well with me. But having a project all my own is exciting. I can control what I post when I post it and how personal I want to get. I can have fun with some photography. There’s a lot of opportunities to get creative. Now all I have to do is accept the idea of letting people in my world. This might be a little tough.
Here’s the link to the Light the Fuel’s Facebook page!