I just can’t believe that life would give us to each other,’ he said, ‘and then take it back.’
‘I can,’ she said. ‘Life’s a bastard.
-Rainbow Rowell, Eleanor and Park
Some love is temporary and if you didn’t know that, “life” will let you know soon enough. You think you’ve found something only to have it snatched from under you. You come crashing down to the floor your pride bruised and hope shattered. Love songs on the radio begin to take on new meaning, and you wonder why did you even take a chance? But then you get up dust yourself off and remember that very few things are what they seem and that you should have known better. Check off another life lesson on the list.
Personally after that first initial punch in the stomach “love” changed in my mind. The world just got uglier in general. I thought “God they’re some really sucky people on the planet. How could someone just use you like that and claim to love you?”
The rose-colored glasses were off and I was quite sure I would be single for a very long time to come. But that dirty stinking heart of mine started to feel again. Not only did it feel, it soared, higher than that first time. I coasted there for a while, letting myself forget all the reasons it would not work. Eventually reality came calling and took me down. The recovery was shorter this time, but painful all the same. Here I am several months later and I still fight off the occasional bout of longing for him.
Sometimes I wish I was this cold robot who had no need for romantic love, so I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. The thought of getting to know someone again and being vulnerable with them is quite exhausting. But I’m not a robot, I’m a human being with a heart that has a lot to give.
He’s engaged…and he friend requested me. I thought I had blocked him, why had he been able to even find me again? I guess that’s beside the point now. There’s only 2 reasons why he would friend request me. 1. He wants to be friends again and move on from how we ended things. 2. He wants me to know he’s found happiness without me. I have a feeling his reason was most likely number 2, knowing his spiteful, childish nature. I was so shocked to see his name there, my stomach lurched.
“Why on earth would he friend request me?” My first thought and then.
“He’s engaged?!?”My second one.
I couldn’t help but click on his profile to see what he’d been up to. The pictures I’d taken of him playing basketball still his cover photo. And then apparently on Valentines day he’d gotten engaged. Only last Valentines day he’d been with me. So much can change in a year. I see it hadn’t taken him long to find someone else. It’s actually not surprising, he was dead set on getting married and having kids. All the things he thought he should be doing at his age.
I thought “Should I feel jealous?”
But I didn’t, I mostly hoped that he’d grown up since we last spoken. Or else that poor girl is in for a tumultuous future. The man I knew had no business being married to anyone. I hope he values her for more than what she can do for him. I hope he loves her truly, the man I knew did not understand love. The pessimist part of me says he hasn’t learned a thing, because of how fast he’d moved on. He’s duped another girl with his good looks and unassuming personality. He’d found another girl who was so desperate to not be alone, that she’d overlook his shortcomings. Shortcomings that became very evident after knowing him for a month or so. I hope she’s ready to have his kids, or else he’d probably be done with her. I am scared for her, I hope their connection so real, their love so big, that they will be able to get through all of the things that will come to them.
I didn’t accept the friend request, I deleted it. I could not think of one reason why we should be able to know about each others personal lives. I do not want him apart of my life in anyway. Not because I’m still hurting, but because he just could not be trusted. When we first broke up I foolishly did not unfriend him on Facebook and he made some inappropriate comments on a photo I posted. That’s what got him blocked. What right does he have to want to know what I’m doing in my life? He has no right. I’m pretty sure he won’t ask again, and I hope this will be the last I ever hear from him.