I am the queen of second thoughts, very little I do is done without a second thought, and a third thought, and sometimes a fourth thought. I am a closet control freak and sometimes fully thinking things through can give me the illusion that I can control how it plays out. Keyword there is “illusion”, my sub-conscious knows this but that doesn’t stop my conscious mind from overthinking.
The overthinking stems from self-doubt. I doubt the first thought that’s why I must give it a second. Should I finish college? Am I going the right direction? Am I pursuing the right things? Or the right people? Did I choose the right health insurance plan? Everyday the thoughts cycle through my brain as I reevaluate my life. I often wonder what life would be like if I had had less self-doubt in my past. Would I be finished with college? Would my life be going in a different direction than it is now? I believe the passions I have now were always meant to be mine. I still would be writing and working with kids but maybe in a different way.
I tell myself that I will be more decisive in the future. Not overthinking but strategic thinking, but I’m lying to myself. I’m an introvert and we’re characterized by our propensity to overthink. But what I can do is not overthink to the point of paralysis, and pray and trust God to lead me. They say self-doubt is God doubt, and I’d never want to doubt Him.
Of all the things I constantly think and rethink about, of one thing I can be sure; one way or another it will all work out. My life may end up being something wilder than anything I could’ve dreamed up. What I want to work on the most is not letting the anxieties of the future outweigh the numerous possibilities. Yes they’re a lot of things that can go wrong but they’re also a lot of things that can go right and that is the part that I have to focus on.
Three strums of the guitar and instantly I know whats about to happen. Just like seeing an old friend, waves of good memories wash over me. No matter where I am or what I’m doing I have to turn the volume up; Ironic by Alanis Morrissette has come on the radio.
I will never forget that night in 1995 when I first heard the song. I was just a little tyke perched in front of the TV watching MTV music videos and an interesting video of four of the same women who were in the car together came on. I nodded my head to the sweet music enjoying the what I was hearing but then the chorus came roaring.
It’s like rain on your wedding day! It’s a free ride when your already late!
I shot up, spinning around, letting the music move me. And when the video was over I wished I could rewind and listen to it again. Back in those days you couldn’t just pull up YouTube and listen to a song when you felt like it. All I could hope was that I would catch the video again or hear it on the radio. I would tell my Mom “I wanna hear the it’s like rain song” and for years I thought that was the name of the song.
That song gave birth to the alternative princess I am today, and every time I hear it just reaffirms my love for alternative music. So thanks Miss Morrissette, thanks for everything.
Tell us about something you’ve done that you would advise a friend never to do.
If there is one piece of advice I can give you, it’s NEVER compare yourself to others. I use to constantly look to other people’s lives as a guide on how to live my own. What was worse is that the people I looked to weren’t living these amazing lives, they were average people. I was dead set on just wanting to be “normal” and that’s what I got. I didn’t strive to be my best or do my best, I was just normal, average, and dull. The thought of that now makes me shiver, but that was me.
Think about it, if you’re busy comparing yourself to everyone around you, your talents, strengths and abilities are not getting the attention they deserve. How can you hone in on whats uniquely yours if you’re too busy focusing on what others have. All through my late teens I could’ve been focusing on writing, photography and all the hobbies that interest me, but no I was looking at the lives of my peers for guidance and validation. Thanks to social media I can see what those peers are up to now and none are living enviable lives. They’re just as average as they were back then, so what was there for me to look to? Absolutely nothing.
Always remember my friend that you were created be you and no one else, so use those God-given abilities for all they’re worth. And never for one second doubt yourself, you’re stronger than you think.
If there’s one group of people I’m envious of it’s the painters. I’ve tried but my gifts come to a halt when it comes to a canvas. Visual art has always captivated me ever since my first paint by numbers kit as a kid. But without the numbers to guide me that paint brush was useless in my hands. I long for the ability to take whats in my mind and soul and make it a reality. Take “The Starry Night” by Vincent Van Gogh for instance. The swirls in the sky, and the distinctness of the stars, no that isn’t how the night sky really looks but that’s how it looked to him. That was his interpretation of the wonder that is the night sky. It’s amazing that such beauty can be wielded onto a canvas with the flick of a person’s wrist, and just like that the painters soul is on display.
I have this dream of filling my house with all original artwork, I want to be surrounded by the souls of the painters. I want to be moved by them. I want to be inspired by them.