I’ll Be There For You…

I confess that I’ve been writing this post for months. I’ve stopped and started several times. I was afraid of sounding like a pathetic loser and maybe I do sound like one. However, I know that there are other people who feel or have felt the same way I do

Advertisements

Out of all the areas in my life where I haven’t felt completely fulfilled, my social life is in the top 3. I have never had what I wanted when it came to my friendships. I’ve always skirted the edges of social circles but was never really in them.
I’ve wondered over the years if maybe I had unrealistic expectations of others because of my ability to make and keep close friendships is lacking. I know my social anxiety and shyness have played a part, but I think I’ve overcome that mostly. I have a good amount of acquaintances and casual friendships but those truly meaningful ones elude me. Even in the few close friendships I do have it feels I am the one whose more invested. I’m the one making plans and wanting to hang out. It seems if I stopped texting them they wouldn’t text me either.

All I want to do is spend time with the people I care about and share new experiences with them but I find myself spending a lot of time alone. When will I be a priority in any of these relationships? A side of me just wants to quit, quit trying and just accept my lone wolf status as a part of life. But another side of me won’t quit. It keeps searching for Meetups with people who share my interests. I want to find someone who enjoys indie pop rock as much as I do and wants to go to concerts. I want to find a book club who shares my reading interests. I want to find people who share my love of spending their nights in. I want to find people who value my companionship.

The older people in my life want to see me “living it up” while I’m still young. Still, it’s hard to live it up on your own and it’s even harder (at least for me) to find people to live it up with. It’s not that I am unable to enjoy being alone. I am a tried and true introvert, I love being alone. But when you’re alone too much it weighs on you.

I confess that I’ve been writing this post for months. I’ve stopped and started several times. I was afraid of sounding like a pathetic loser and maybe I do sound like one. However, I know that there are other people who feel or have felt the same way I do and that’s who I want to hear from. Anyone else feel they’ve missed the boat on social connection? And if so what did you about it?

Second Thoughts, Third Thoughts, and Sometimes a Fourth.

via Daily Prompt:
Second Thoughts

photo-1446108440972-3798c860067c

I am the queen of second thoughts, very little I do is done without a second thought, and a third thought, and sometimes a fourth thought. I am a closet control freak and sometimes fully thinking things through can give me the illusion that I can control how it plays out. Keyword there is “illusion”, my sub-conscious knows this but that doesn’t stop my conscious mind from overthinking.

The overthinking stems from self-doubt. I doubt the first thought that’s why I must give it a second. Should I finish college? Am I going the right direction? Am I pursuing the right things? Or the right people? Did I choose the right health insurance plan? Everyday the thoughts cycle through my brain as I reevaluate my life. I often wonder what life would be like if I had had less self-doubt in my past. Would I be finished with college? Would my life be going in a different direction than it is now? I believe the passions I have now were always meant to be mine. I  still would be writing and working with kids but maybe in a different way.

I tell myself that I will be more decisive in the future. Not overthinking but strategic thinking, but I’m lying to myself. I’m an introvert and we’re characterized by our propensity to overthink. But what I can do is not overthink to the point of paralysis, and pray and trust God to lead me. They say self-doubt is God doubt, and I’d never want to doubt Him.

Of all the things I constantly think and rethink about, of one thing I can be sure; one way or another it will all work out. My life may end up being something wilder than anything I could’ve dreamed up. What I want to work on the most is not letting the anxieties of the future outweigh the numerous possibilities. Yes they’re a lot of things that can go wrong but they’re also a lot of things that can go right and that is the part that I have to focus on.

Just Another Lonely Girl: An Introvert’s Struggle

lonely-girl

 

I’m an introvert, which means I re-energize by spending time alone, and that I enjoy my own company a little bit more than the “average” person. I have known this about myself for a while and I’m okay with it. Despite my introversion I have managed to find a few close friends, and I’m okay with that too, well somewhat. For the past 2 years I have found myself feeling I have had too much alone time. In other words I’m lonely (cue the violins). I have a hard time expressing this because I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me but I felt it was important to put it out there. It’s been floating at the back of my mind for too long.

My lonely isn’t the lonely you’re probably thinking it is. I’m not in the house staring out the window watching life happen. I go places, concerts, festivals, etc. but when I go I am alone. I could be surrounded by people but it’s like I’m the only one there. My friends, though I love them dearly, share only about 40% of my interests. I have no one in which to share my some of my biggest passions with.

I thought that if I got out there and did the things I loved to do I’d eventually make connections with others who did the same, but it hasn’t happened. Like many introvert’s I struggle with making and maintaining friendships. Sometimes the interactions are awkward and forced, it’s stressful so I just avoid it.It’s rare that I even meet a person that is potential “friend material” and when I do it seems they aren’t really looking for any new friends.

So after another summer of mostly solo experiences I can feel myself starting to retreat from the world. I don’t look forward going out because I am going alone and I am tired of that. I do look forward to winter because there will be less things going on.

I’m curious to see if there is anyone else out there who has experienced this.
What do you do when no one loves what you love? Or likes what you like?
How do you find those genuine connections?

 

*Photo Credit

“A Letter To My 16-Year-Old Self”

Word of warning it’s not going to go the way you think it is, so whatever ideas you have about what your life will be like at 25 throw them out of the window. It’s not going to happen. Don’t panic though, it’s all good.

1935116_1264804143114_6691969_n
Yours truly at 16

 

Dear Tawni,

Your 25th birthday is coming up very soon, wow, quarter-life. Well let’s just hope there’s no crisis, honestly I think you went through that at 23. Also what was our 16th birthday like? I honestly don’t remember. Anyways I bet I know what your thinking right now as you roll the memory around in your head. I have no life and no friends, I wish my life was like Lizzie McGuire or some other teenage heroine. I feel for you, but please know it’s going to get better. So don’t worry about what those douche bags at school think, trust me they don’t matter one blip to your life. You feel  you’re lacking in some ways in comparison to them, but your not. Most of them are making terrible choices right now that will effect their lives in the future. Pity them, don’t envy them. Your not the average teenager, your an onion, you have lots of layers and that’s great. It’s what’s going to make you the woman we are today.

Word of warning it’s not going to go the way you think it is, so whatever ideas you have about what your life will be like at 25 throw them out of the window. It’s not going to happen. Don’t panic though, it’s all good. It took you awhile to figure out what you were doing but you made it, thank God. Literally, thank Him. If not for him I don’t know who we’d be right now. A flipping hot mess I assume. I kind of wish I’d known him when I was your age, maybe things wouldn’t have been so hard. Oh well there is no turning back only going forward.

So let me tell you some hopeful things about our future. Firstly, we have friends and a social life! Finally, someone other than our parents knows how funny and clever we are. We have passions and hobbies! Yes, we write, we go to beacoup  concerts, we’e creative, and we like kids! Who knew?! Our taste in music is super eclectic and awesome. We’re still a bit of a loner and introvert, doesn’t look like we’re going to grow out of that. But it’s okay we love that now. We’re not as shy as we used to be, we’ve made 5 speeches and public speaking no longer makes us sick. Not to say that we’re completely cured of our social anxiety though. I felt a little anxiety just asking for the wi-fi password in this coffee shop. That’s another thing we go places on our own now, like coffee shops and restaurants. We no longer give a crap about the opinions of strangers in public places. If you haven’t guessed already, yes we’re still single. Quality guys are still a rarity sorry to tell you but you know it’s going to take a very special man to keep our attention. We’re still figuring out this whole being adult thing, but Dad, Mom and our friends are helping us out. It is not what it’s cracked to be, it’s tough. But you get to call your own shots and that has yet to be unsatisfying.

So how are you feeling about life now? Are you excited yet? Well get excited because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. From now on every time you look in the mirror remember that you are beautiful, talented, loved, and that there’s a great big world out there waiting for you to put your stamp on it.

Love always,

Me ❤

 

Everyday Inspiration, Day Four: A Story in a Single Image

We’re all so busy aren’t we? We keep our calendars filled from sun up till sun down with activities whether work or social. We rush from place to place always in a hurry, gritting our teeth in never-ending traffic.

train station

Images — including photographs and works of art — can as starting points for stories, essays, poems, and personal musings.

WordPress: Blogging University

 

We’re all so busy aren’t we? We keep our calendars filled from sun up till sun down with activities whether work or social. We rush from place to place always in a hurry, gritting our teeth in never-ending traffic.
Then at the end of the day we complain that there is still not enough time and not enough money to do everything we want to do.
Our minds are programmed that they must always be busy doing something. Even in our down time we entertain our minds with Facebook and Instagram or any other app that can keep our attention. We want nothing to do with having nothing to do, so we keep going and going until our stress levels are so high that we are forced to stop.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Why do we place our rest and state of mind in last place?

I find myself these days yearning for something else. A change a pace or scenery because I’m so tired of the grind. Traffic in the morning and the afternoon and the evening. Traffic all the time. All the emails, texts, chats, because someone is always talking. Someone always wants something, needs something, or demands something of you.
I feel as if I am holding the entire world together with just glue and string because I am barely holding on. For once I’d like to wake up not feeling burdened by obligation. Not feeling like I’m only surviving but not thriving.

How does a girl escape her own world?

 

 

*Photo by Nicolai Bernsten

 

 

I Should Be Sleeping

I’m going to so something I never do, write an impromptu blog post. Like right now, no editing. I literally just got this idea like 3 minutes ago.
I’m avoiding sleep, Lord knows I’m tired, but I don’t want to go to sleep. This quiet time alone in my room are like little vacations for me. That’s because they’re the only time when I don’t have anything to do… well except for sleep… But besides that I can just lay here and be quiet. And no my life isn’t endless agony or anything close to that but I am an adult and that comes with RESPONSIBILITIES. Sometimes I just want a little time to not think about what I have to do tomorrow and just lay here in peace.
Maybe it’s small protest against the “Establishment.” Or maybe it’s dumb and I’m just sabotaging myself. I’m open to that option as  well.
Anywho… I suppose I better wrap this up, that clock is ticking away. Goodnight world!!