I Love Him, But…

Though I don’t know you I miss you. And though I’ve never met you I long to see you. I don’t know when I’ll see you, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few years.
For so long I’ve tried to make others fit into a place where only you belong. What can I say? A girl gets lonely, and then she starts to wonder if you exist. Coming home to an empty house gets difficult and Mr. Right Now is just a text message away.
I’m just ready to finally be with someone where there are no barriers. I’m not hiding behind fear, or mystery. The connection is true and without conditions, no more “I love him, but…”


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Confessions

“So what do you want to know?”

“I want to know all your dreams and hopes. And not the ones you tell the world, I want to know the ones that whisper to you late at night. The ones you think are unattainable. That’s where your true self hides, and that is the girl I want to know.”

“Are you sure you want to know her? She’s kind of a mess.”

“I’m sure.”

“The dreams I hide I’m afraid are a bit selfish. Yes I do want to do my part to help the world. But if I also want to delve in all the beauty of the world, and forget the ugliness. I want to see beautiful museums of France full of wonders of the old world. See the sunset on the beaches of Bali. Explore the old temples of Thailand. Stand at the edge of the cliffs watching the endless ocean in Ireland. I want my camera, my notebook, and my passport to be the tools of my life. I want to be devoted to my creativity. I, I’m…..”

” It’s okay.”

“I’m afraid that I’m letting all that is special about me wither away and that by the time I get around to this dream life my passions will be dust.”


Writing 101: Reinvent The Letter Format

To: My Musemuse

Dearest,

Who would’ve thought you would come to mean so much to me, and to my art. I don’t even remember when I first met you but suddenly you were there smiling at me. You have no idea the ways you have inspired me. Your kindness, your strength, your heart have pushed me to reveal what is truly within, holding nothing back.

Our love may not be unrequited or furiously passionate like other artists have had with their muses. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t love. It’s a mutual adoration and trust of which I’ve come to rely on. You are a comfort on a particularly dreary day, and I feel safe with you. I don’t know how long we will stay like this, but I intend to enjoy every moment.

I want you to know that you’re more than just a “regular” guy, you are a jewel of a person. So don’t let this world dull your shine my dear. I am praying for you.

Love Always,

Tawni ♥

Writing 101: Hook ’em With A Quote

I just can’t believe that life would give us to each other,’ he said, ‘and then take it back.’

‘I can,’ she said. ‘Life’s a bastard.

-Rainbow Rowell, Eleanor and Park

Some love is temporary and if you didn’t know that, “life” will let you know soon enough. You think you’ve found something only to have it snatched from under you. You come crashing down to the floor your pride bruised and hope shattered. Love songs on the radio begin to take on new meaning, and you wonder why did you even take a chance? But then you get up dust yourself off and remember that very few things are what they seem and that you should have known better. Check off another life lesson on the list.

Personally after that first initial punch in the stomach “love” changed in my mind.  The world just got uglier in general. I thought “God they’re some really sucky people on the planet. How could someone just use you like that and claim to love you?”  

The rose-colored glasses were off and I was quite sure I would be single for a very long time to come. But that dirty stinking heart of mine started to feel again. Not only did it feel, it soared, higher than that first time. I coasted there for a while, letting myself forget all the reasons it would not work. Eventually reality came calling and took me down. The recovery was shorter this time, but painful all the same. Here I am several months later and I still fight off the occasional bout of longing for him.

Sometimes I wish I was this cold robot who had no need for romantic love, so I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. The thought of getting to know someone again and being vulnerable with them is quite exhausting. But I’m not a robot, I’m a human being with a heart that has a lot to give.

100 Word Story

It was just a meal between friends, or that’s what I convinced myself it was. The butterflies in my stomach told the real story. I was going to see you, my if only”, my “I wish”.

We sat down to the table across from each other, we talked, we laughed, just like friends do. But while you smiled I was bleeding inside. Every look you gave me was like a shot to the heart, and it cried why.

Why is this so easy, but yet so hard?

Why do I torture myself this way?

Why am I such a fool?

He’s Engaged

He’s engaged…and he friend requested me. I thought I had blocked him, why had he been able to even find me again? I guess that’s beside the point now. There’s only 2 reasons why he would friend request me. 1. He wants to be friends again and move on from how we ended things. 2. He wants me to know he’s found happiness without me. I have a feeling his reason was most likely number 2, knowing his spiteful, childish nature. I was so shocked to see his name there, my stomach lurched.

“Why on earth would he friend request me?” My first thought and then.

“He’s engaged?!?”My second one.

I couldn’t help but click on his profile to see what he’d been up to. The pictures I’d taken of him playing basketball still his cover photo. And then apparently on Valentines day he’d gotten engaged. Only last Valentines day he’d been with me. So much can change in a year. I see it hadn’t taken him long to find someone else. It’s actually not surprising, he was dead set on getting married and having kids. All the things he thought he should be doing at his age.

I thought “Should I feel jealous?”

But I didn’t, I mostly hoped that he’d grown up since we last spoken. Or else that poor girl is in for a tumultuous future. The man I knew had no business being married to anyone. I hope he values her for more than what she can do for him. I hope he loves her truly, the man I knew did not understand love. The pessimist part of me says he hasn’t learned a thing, because of how fast he’d moved on. He’s duped another girl with his good looks and unassuming personality. He’d found another girl who was so desperate to not be alone, that she’d overlook his shortcomings. Shortcomings that became very evident after knowing him for a month or so. I hope she’s ready to have his kids, or else he’d probably be done with her. I am scared for her, I hope their connection so real, their love so big, that they will be able to get through all of the things that will come to them.

I didn’t accept the friend request, I deleted it. I could not think of one reason why we should be able to know about each others personal lives. I do not want him apart of my life in anyway. Not because I’m still hurting, but because he just could not be trusted. When we first broke up I foolishly did not unfriend him on Facebook and he made some inappropriate comments on a photo I posted. That’s what got him blocked.  What right does he have to want to know what I’m doing in my life? He has no right. I’m pretty sure he won’t ask again, and I hope this will be the last I ever hear from him.

The Place Where We Began

They met at that dangerous place of loneliness and longing. Not knowing how to move forward but not wanting to go back. Somehow two people who lived very different lives found everything in common with each other. One had experienced the wars of this world and the other had experienced the wars of the inner self. But somehow they came to this place where things made sense in a way they hadn’t before.

They would have gladly stayed in this place, but the real world beckoned for their attention. The place they lived in was just a dream, the real world was about to weigh in. And it shook the ground beneath them. They came slamming back down when they realized in this world they didn’t know each other, they didn’t walk in the same places.

They’re still hoping for that place that they had created, wondering how to they get back there. But the path that once connected them is disappearing quickly. Will they find each other again…. Only God knows.

The Kiss

There was no getting out of it now, we were completely alone. A part of me was excited but most of me was scared. My heart was thundering loudly in my ears. I had daydreamed about this moment for a year. But what if he thinks I’m a bad kisser? What if he’s a bad kisser?

“It’s okay Tawni.” He says as if he knew exactly what was going on in my mind.

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I take a deep breath and inch closer to him. I want this, I want him, I love him, and he loves me. He pulls me closer to him looping his arm around my waist. With his other hand he lifts my chin. He looks right into my eyes for what seemed like forever. And before I could break the stare he presses his lips gently against mine. I freeze up not moving my lips or closing my eyes. He parts my lips with his and tightens his arm around me as if to wake me up to what was happening. I let go of the ramblings going on in my mind, close my eyes and melt into him. Wrapping my arms around his neck he deepens the kiss. My whole body was tingling, was this the fireworks that I’d read about? He pulls himself from me and starts to smile. Maybe he was feeling it too, that intense elation. I want to jump for joy, but instead I just say what was causing my joy.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

To My Future Husband

Dearest,

I hope you know I think of you often. Everytime I see a new couple getting engaged and married I wonder when it will be our turn. But as we both wait for God to bring us together, I do hope that you are spending your time glorifying Him. I pray that He is molding you now, while he is molding me. So that when we come together we shall be a marriage that is pleasing to Him. I wonder if you are praying for me the way I pray for you. Do you ever doubt that I exist? I admit sometimes usually late at night I do feel some doubt. It’s not that I have been waiting a long time or anything, it’s just that I am a peculiar girl with a peculiar set of interests. And I have never met anyone of the male species who have moved my heart and shared my interests. I believe that is because God is saving me for someone who I can share my passions with and truly understand them. At least what my heart wants so desperately to believe. I must warn you that at night when I’m left alone to my thoughts I question nearly everything I believe, I don’t know why. I’m always dying to have conversation with someone who will assure me that I’m overthinking things as usual. One day you will that person I talk to. Anyways I suppose I wrote this later because I’m affirming to myself that you are out there. And when we meet I hope you will be so tuned into God’s voice that you will have no doubt of who I am. Until the day comes be at peace when the loneliness comes that I am out there praying for you.

Yours,

Tawni

Love Song of the Week

I decided today I’d do a more upbeat love song “Can’t take my eyes off of you” by Lauryn Hill. It’s a cover of the 1967 Frank Valli song, but to be honest I didn’t realize it was a cover until years after I heard the Hill version, to me it’s always been Hill’s song. What I love about this song is the joyful beat and the sweet lyrics to it. I imagine a newly in love man or woman dancing to this song.

You’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you
You’d be like heaven to touch, oh, I wanna hold you so much
At long last love has arrived and I thank God I’m alive
You’re just too good to be true, I can’t take my eyes off of you

This song makes me smile every time I hear it. I just want to dance and twirl as if I was in love. Take a listen, I hope this song brightens your day the way it does mine.