Hey 2017, Thanks for Nothing

2017 was a year that the entire world couldn’t wait to begin after a tragic 2016. But little did we know that while we sipped champagne and sang Auld Lang Syne, or if you’re like me nursed a cold and binge-watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer to bring in the new year, that 2017 was not going to be that much better. 2017 brought more mass shootings, more hate crimes, more disasters, a truckload of sexual misconduct allegations, and let’s not forget that Cheeto puff who leads this country showed us just how awful he is.

This worsening of the things in the world was mirrored in my personal life. Everything that cracked in 2016 crumbled in 2017 and I find myself headed into 2018 with very little hope. This is unusual for me, I may not get into Christmas or Thanksgiving but I actually really like New Years. All that hope and excitement of a new beginning usually warms my heart. But this year a cold wind passes through me where my heart used to be.

Honestly, I’m scared of 2018. I’m scared that the Trump administration will continue to step on the necks of the marginalized. I’m scared that another disturbed person will take a gun to a crowded concert, or mow down pedestrians on the street. I’m scared that white supremacists will find new and terrifying ways to spread their message of hate. I’m scared that wildfires will continue to ravage southern California. I’m afraid that more people will die in the Middle East. I’m afraid that I won’t find hope again. I’m afraid that my depression will worsen. I’m afraid that 2018 will be just as heartbreaking as 2017.

So how do you respond when the world is a garbage can rolling downhill?

Some of us will run to our faith and hold on for dear life. Some of us will throw ourselves into some kind of human service. Some of us will turn to drugs and alcohol. Some of us will take our own lives.

How will I respond? Not sure yet.

So here’s to you 2017. Thanks for showing us that things can definitely get worse. And 2018 for God’s sake please have mercy.

Photo by Kristopher Roller via unsplash

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An Honest Poem

I was born on a chilly October night, 26 years ago.
I’m 5’6, with brown eyes, and black hair and my weight is none of your business.
I’m not a dog person, and I’m allergic to cats.
I’m kind of like a baby jumping spider, cute but creepy.
I’m a good writer, listener, and I can carry somewhat of a tune.
But the thing I’m most talented at is avoiding my problems.
I’m an absolute pro at it.
If there’s a problem, I run in the complete opposite direction.
I run to my books and hide from the world.

In books, things happen for a reason.
The plot is set, the character’s path predestined.
Real life isn’t like that.
I could have never predicted the path that my life has taken.
I barely recognize myself these days.
I’ve abandoned everything that used to define me.
So if I’m no longer the student,
the youth leader,
or the devoted churchgoer.
Then who am I?
That is the million dollar question.
Sometimes I feel like I’m 10 different people from one day to the next.
Which one is the real me?
Or are they all me?

I’m prone to melancholy.
Have been for as long as I can remember.
I’ve daydreamed about wandering into a field during a thunderstorm and being dissipated by a lightning bolt.
Like the end of the movie “Powder”.
My therapist calls this a suicidal fantasy.
I call it what happens when I’m alone too long in my thoughts.

I feel broken.
But I’m a Christian and we’re not supposed to say that.
Isn’t that why God sent his son?
So that I can be whole?
Well me and God aren’t really speaking as much as we used to.
I try not to dwell too long on the state of my faith.
If I do, a pain so deep radiates through me that I can barely breath.
I’ll just sum it up in one word, unraveled.

I attempting to date.
Me, the perpetually single girl.
I was always waiting to be better, more prepared, more successful, more perfect.
I always wondered if anyone could ever truly understand and love me, with all of my chaos.
So far it’s been a huge bust.
I was catfished, but isn’t that a millennial rite of passage?

My name is Tawni.
I love indie rock, Mexican food, and spending time with friends.
Even though I don’t know if I really have anything in common with any of them.
My hobbies include:
fighting my inner demons,
pretending that I’m fine,
and overthinking everything.
Nice to meet you.


A week ago I stumbled across Rudy Francisco’s spoken word piece “My Honest Poem” on Facebook and it moved me. You can watch it here and read it here. I thought to myself, I should do one too! It was definitely harder than I thought it was going to be but at the same time oddly cleansing.

 

Photo by Anders Jildén on Unsplash

I’m Not Crazy, I’m Just A Little Unwell

Your thoughts are racing, jumping from one problem to the next, your heart rate is accelerating, there is a pain in your chest like an elephant is sitting on it and you’re one upset away from bursting into tears.
Your good friend Anxiety has come to visit, and she is showing out.

I have been dealing with anxiety for a few years now and what I have found instrumental is knowing what my triggers are and trying my best to avoid them. My hope is that by listing my triggers someone reading this will recognize the same patterns and make changes, or at least someone will receive some much needed validation.

Sleep! Sleep! Sleep!

We all get a little cranky when we don’t get enough sleep. As a highly sensitive person that deals with anxiety sleep is my life’s blood. Too many nights with less than 6 hours of sleep can turn me into emotional mess of a person. Exhausted Tawni has no patience, gets angry at the drop of a dime, and takes any small dig extremely serious.

Get out of the House!

Loneliness is a huge trigger of mine. My introverted side scoffs at the idea but I need human connection. That doesn’t mean I need to go out every weekend. Sometimes just going to a coffee shop and reading a book, or writing can be enough. I need to be reminded sometimes that there is a whole world out there and to keep myself balanced I need to go out in it sometimes.

Pray!

If I’m not communing with God then everything just seems a bit worse than it already is. Daily prayer and meditation helps me feel centered and gain perspective on my problems. Go too long without it and my mind will begin to feel cluttered and overwhelmed, prime ground for anxiety to grow.

Take time for yourself!

My life can be busy between work, friends, and everything else. Being constantly on the go can makes me tired and irritable even if I have had a good nights sleep. I sometimes have to remind myself that taking a day to lay around the house and watch Netflix is okay. I work hard Monday-Friday and I deserve time to myself. Getting immersed in a new series or watching something that makes me laugh is a good way to get my mind off of things.

 

Self-care is a term we’re hearing a lot lately but it’s legit, especially for those who deal with mental health issues. We have to be good to ourselves before we can be good to others. My prayer that anyone reading this will take a good look at themselves and see where they can improve in their own lives. Self-care means different things to different people, maybe Netflix isn’t good for you but a stroll in the park is. Whatever you can do to help yourself do it!

 

 

Photo by Afonso Coutinho on Unsplash