An Honest Poem

I was born on a chilly October night, 26 years ago.
I’m 5’6, with brown eyes, and black hair and my weight is none of your business.
I’m not a dog person, and I’m allergic to cats.
I’m kind of like a baby jumping spider, cute but creepy.
I’m a good writer, listener, and I can carry somewhat of a tune.
But the thing I’m most talented at is avoiding my problems.
I’m an absolute pro at it.
If there’s a problem, I run in the complete opposite direction.
I run to my books and hide from the world.

In books, things happen for a reason.
The plot is set, the character’s path predestined.
Real life isn’t like that.
I could have never predicted the path that my life has taken.
I barely recognize myself these days.
I’ve abandoned everything that used to define me.
So if I’m no longer the student,
the youth leader,
or the devoted churchgoer.
Then who am I?
That is the million dollar question.
Sometimes I feel like I’m 10 different people from one day to the next.
Which one is the real me?
Or are they all me?

I’m prone to melancholy.
Have been for as long as I can remember.
I’ve daydreamed about wandering into a field during a thunderstorm and being dissipated by a lightning bolt.
Like the end of the movie “Powder”.
My therapist calls this a suicidal fantasy.
I call it what happens when I’m alone too long in my thoughts.

I feel broken.
But I’m a Christian and we’re not supposed to say that.
Isn’t that why God sent his son?
So that I can be whole?
Well me and God aren’t really speaking as much as we used to.
I try not to dwell too long on the state of my faith.
If I do, a pain so deep radiates through me that I can barely breath.
I’ll just sum it up in one word, unraveled.

I attempting to date.
Me, the perpetually single girl.
I was always waiting to be better, more prepared, more successful, more perfect.
I always wondered if anyone could ever truly understand and love me, with all of my chaos.
So far it’s been a huge bust.
I was catfished, but isn’t that a millennial rite of passage?

My name is Tawni.
I love indie rock, Mexican food, and spending time with friends.
Even though I don’t know if I really have anything in common with any of them.
My hobbies include:
fighting my inner demons,
pretending that I’m fine,
and overthinking everything.
Nice to meet you.


A week ago I stumbled across Rudy Francisco’s spoken word piece “My Honest Poem” on Facebook and it moved me. You can watch it here and read it here. I thought to myself, I should do one too! It was definitely harder than I thought it was going to be but at the same time oddly cleansing.

 

Photo by Anders Jildén on Unsplash

Advertisements

Everyday Inspiration, Day Two: Write a List

The soft glow of the sunrise through closed blinds.
The sound of my best friends laughter.
That nostalgic feeling I get when I smell my Dad’s cologne

coffee

Compiling a list is a way to let loose, unlock ideas, and free your mind.

-Wordpress: Blogging University

15 Things I Love…

  1. The soft glow of the sunrise through closed blinds.
  2. The sound of my best friends laughter.
  3. That nostalgic feeling I get when I smell my Dad’s cologne.
  4.  A warm day with a cool breeze.
  5. When my friends call me “Tawn” instead of Tawni.
  6. Watching my mug fill with coffee first thing in the morning.
  7. That first deep breath after finishing a really good book.
  8. The sound of soft rain.
  9. The music at the end of a classic movie.
  10. A starry sky.
  11. Late night Taco Bell runs.
  12. Chicken strips and french fries dipped in ranch dressing.
  13. A comfy pair of jeans.
  14. That relieved feeling when you’re climbing into bed after a long day.
  15. Singing at the top of my lungs in my car with the windows down.

 

*Photo by Hello Goodbye

Poetry 101: Farewell

goodbye

I knew this day was coming, the day I’d have to say goodbye. How will I be able to? You are mine. You were my yes in a sea of no’s, my familiar in a room of strangers, my friend in isolation.
Like a rainbow after a rainstorm, you gave me new hope. Hope that me, just as I was could be enough. It wasn’t the way I looked or what I could do. It was just me that you wanted there, real and unfiltered.

But now I must say goodbye. The love I have for you will never die but it must fade. I have to make room for the one who can be forever. I wanted it to be you, I pleaded for it to be you. But my heart has shot past you. I couldn’t be to you what you were for me, and maybe I wasn’t meant to.
And so I release you. You my nearly beloved, my almost paramour, my all but lover.

*image: Michael Phelan

Poetry 101: Graffiti

wp-1450285943294.jpg

Lady Urbana, tries to keep her values in a valueless world.

Her sensibility in the senseless city

Her class in a classless society

****

This piece was painted by South African street artist Faith47 on the side of a Portland building. When I saw it I instantly was drawn to it. The woman seemed so out of place in the urban setting around her. She has on this long dress and her is up in a style that has long past. I thought, what would a girl like her think of the world today?

Poetry 101: Beloved

wp-1450201268708.jpg

All those things I wrote, I wrote for you. Because for a reason I may never fully understand, I adore you. And because I could see that you didn’t really think you were worthy of someone truly loving you and you are.
I just wanted to be someone who didn’t need anything from you, but gave to you.
I wanted to be your best friend.
I wanted you to live for something more, something real.
I wanted to peer inside your soul.
And so in case I never get the chance to tell you, I want you to know that you are worthy, you are a gem and I love you.

Poetry 101: Freedom

First-3-Months-24-800x533

We call ourselves free human beings but are we really?

How can we be, when darkness is at every turn?

Gone are the days of going to a concert, the big game, the mall or simply out with with friends as strictly a social event. Now it’s rolling the dice with your life.

Gone are the days when you could be sure of your safety around those sworn to keep you safe. Now when you see those lights in your rear view there’s a chance it could be your last ride.

Gone are the days of leaders who really were for America, for freedom. Now we have bigots who hide behind patriotism.

Gone are the days where you could walk into school and get the education you needed. Now you have to worry about walking into a death trap.

Terrorists, extremists, murderers, bigots, and down right psychopaths everywhere we look.

Gone are the days…but did the good days ever exist? No I don’t think they did.

The world was already on a flaming path to hell, we’re just experiencing a rise in the heat.