Everyday Inspiration, Day One: I Write Because…

Writing is how I process my life, a lot of times I don’t quite know how I feel about something until I start writing about it. It helps me make sense of my chaotic mind.

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I write because…

It connects me to the world around me. Ever since before I could read I have been obsessed with stories of people’s lives. The love, heartbreak, ups, and downs that mark us and make us individuals but also unite us. The written word is how these human experiences can be shared with the masses. So someone I don’t know and will never meet can share their story with me and I can share my story with them and we can share that bond. And through this bond we can learn something new or find a fresh perspective on something old. Maybe your experience will help me in my life, maybe we’re two of a kind.

Writing is how I process my life, a lot of times I don’t quite know how I feel about something until I start writing about it. It helps me make sense of my chaotic mind.

I love words. I love how words can make us feel something, whether it’s good or bad. I love how a person can string the right words together in just right the way and transport me to another time and place.

It’s my gift. God gives us gifts because he wants us to them. My goal in life is to make the most of everything God has given me.

 

*photo by Negative Space

Lies, Sabotage, And The Way Back To Redemption

When we believe a lie so long it becomes apart of who you are, and you unconsciously spend your life reaping the consequences of this lie.

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You’ll always be alone.

That was the lie I believed for most of my life. It drove me to many decisions, mostly bad ones. It drove me to the wrong people, to wrong things, and more pain.
I learned recently that the reason we believe these lies about ourselves is because we interpret wrongly painful events in our lives.
So what was my event?
I couldn’t think of one isolated event, my childhood was the event. I had a hard time with making friends because I was very shy, so in order to avoid the anxiety of talking to new people, I just didn’t. I also had a hard time finding kids who I had things in common with which only furthered the gap between me and others. Throw some bullying from the mean girls in there and there you have it, the event.
I interpreted my social rejection into thinking that I was boring, strange, weird, etc. and came to the conclusion I’d always be alone.

When we believe a lie so long it becomes apart of who you are, and you unconsciously spend your life reaping the consequences of this lie.

To escape the pain of my event I dallied in a few unhealthy things.

  • sexual sin
  • isolating myself from others
  • denial
  • busyness
  • distrust of others

When I gave my life to God I thought I was done with these things, but they lingered. Some I eventually was able to completely be done with by God’s grace and mercy, but some new stuff popped up. I became addicted to affirmation from others, mostly men. Male attention was something I had very little experience with. But I guess as I grew into myself it became a fairly regular thing. It was a rush.
All the things that separated me from others in the past were now appreciated. I didn’t know how to handle it, and I came to crave it.
So whenever I suffered a disappointment, or a rejection I’d seek it out before God.

What if that’s not true?

That was question the pastor asked. What if that lie you believed isn’t true?
A simple question that completely rocked my world.
I won’t always be alone?
As my brain pondered the idea my heart rejected it strongly. It only knew the painful memories of the past and it wasn’t ready to be convinced of anything else.

So what I do? How can I undo all that this lie has done to me?
Well I can’t, the past is done I must look forward to what’s ahead. It’s time to tear down the lie with God’s truth.

Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

What concerns me concerns God. He doesn’t want to see me alone and depressed. He knows the deepest desires of my heart and he will give them to me because He loves me and I delight in Him. I renounce the lie and receive His truth.
Moving forward when I feel alone I will go to God, He is my comforter. He’s the ultimate comforter. The affirmation of others is nothing compared to the love and affirmation of my God.
It will be a process, bad habits die hard, but my faith and fervor for God have been renewed.

What is the lie that has kept you bound? I challenge you to invite God in and let Him reveal to you His truth.

 

*photo by Evan Dennis

In The Still Of The Night

There was smudged eyeliner streaked down my face and my lips were stained from red wine. Telltale signs of a night gone horribly right. 

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Hello Friends! So I don’t usually post fiction on my blog but fiction novels is what began my love for writing.  I day dream about one day writing a novel. I imagine I’d be in my office (which I don’t really have) wearing a fabulous pair of vintage style cat-eye glasses focused intently at my laptop. My husband (don’t have one of those either) bringing me tea & coffee and telling me not to work too hard. Maybe one day that will be real but until then…
What you’re about to read is actually based in truth. It’s a collection of late nights I’ve had all meshed into one. That’s what I love about storytelling, you can amplify the best parts of real life.

I hope you enjoy it!



In the Still of the Night

I woke up surprisingly rested that morning but when I looked in the mirror it told a different story. There was smudged eyeliner streaked down my face and my lips were stained from red wine. Telltale signs of a night gone horribly right.

We’d spent hours on the dance floor letting the sounds of samba drums stir us into fever. We moved like one body. I knew every move you were going to make and I followed instinctively. Though the dance floor was crowded it seemed they all faded into the background. It was just you, me, and the music. We left at some point, I don’t know when, and found ourselves parked in front of my apartment. You didn’t want me to go in and neither did I, so we stayed in your car. We talked about everything and nothing. Telling each other about the best and worst times of our lives, followed by the most embarrassing moments of our school days.
We jumped from genre to genre; first belting Bon Jovi and Guns n’ Roses then crooning Sade and Anita Baker.

And at times we sat silently, observing the raccoon’s as they scavenged for food. I laid my head on your shoulder and watched the way your chest rose and fell, the sweet smell of whiskey on your breath.
A blanket of stillness enveloped us, cozy and inviting. 4:00 am had came and went, and 5 was fast approaching. I knew if I didn’t get out of the car then that we’d soon be watching the sunrise. So with a sweet kiss we said goodnight and good day.

I tumbled into bed still dressed except for my heels. Laying there I waited patiently for the text to tell me that you had made it home safe. It was night I would not soon forget, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

The End 



 

*photo by Matthew Wiebe

Ain’t It Fun?

For me my 20’s have been this crazy difficult maze, full of painful wrong turns, and a few happy right ones. It’s difficult because on the one hand your an adult in the eyes of the world. You can vote, drink, rent a car, get a grown up job. But on the other hand you’re trying your darndest to grow up as quickly as possible so you can handle it all. There’s so much to figure out and you’ve got to navigate it while also trying to shake off those childhood insecurities.

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When I was in my twenties, it felt like I was riding wild horses, and I was hoping I didn’t go over a cliff.
-Chaka Khan

Truer words have never been spoken, thank you Ms. Khan for such an accurate description. This is exactly how I feel now, like I have no control over my life I’m at the whim of this crazy world and at any moment it’s going to hurl me off a cliff to which there is no coming back.
Your 20’s are the prime of your life, vital or so that’s what they say. Well I suppose it’s true I guess. For me my 20’s have been this crazy difficult maze, full of painful wrong turns, and a few happy right ones. It’s difficult because on the one hand your an adult in the eyes of the world. You can vote, drink, rent a car, get a grown up job. But on the other hand you’re trying your darndest to grow up as quickly as possible so you can handle it all. There’s so much to figure out and you’ve got to navigate it while also trying to shake off those childhood insecurities.
Sometimes you hardly know whether you’re coming or going. You don’t know when you should stand up and endure or throw in the towel and go put “This Woman’s Work” on repeat and crawl in bed with a box or tissues. Sometimes you want to do both at the same time! You’re trying figure out what you need and what you want in life. And if it’s okay to have some things in your life just because you want them and don’t need them. That elusive “career” your supposed to have is looming over your head like a big dark rain cloud. And the even more elusive relationship you would like to have is showing its ugly face too.
You love your life one day then hate it the next and the day after that you’re indifferent. You want to have a more mature spiritual life but pop culture is bombarding you with everything that goes against it. You want to have fun and have crazy adventures but your bank account is telling you it isn’t possible. Not to mention the debt that you’re trying to ignore is holding a knife to your back.
Sometimes you want to go off the grid and live off the land for awhile. But then you remember how attached you are to things like Wi-Fi and your favorite pair of boots that just aren’t made for the wilderness.
Every single decision you make you wonder if you’re going to regret it when your 30.
You wish someone would just understand but it seems no one does. You look to your elders for advice but they seem to have forgotten what it’s like. They’re either at a loss for words or they give you some generic advice that you could easily find in a crappy self help book.
You’re an adult and it’s all up to you- oh happy day.
All this and you’re supposed to be a functioning human being!

I wish I had some great advice for my fellow 20 something’s out there but I don’t. I wish I could tell you the secret to handling it all but I can’t. I’m clawing my way through it just like you. All I can tell you is to take it one day at a time. If you need to cry take a moment and do it. If you feel like breaking something, don’t. Go take a kickboxing class or something, and get that frustration out. Don’t let anyone undermine what you’re going through. Just because you’re young doesn’t mean you don’t have problems. Tell them to take a seat and keep it moving, they aren’t living your life. Try to have fun when you can, try some new things, and lastly just know that you are going to make it, somehow.

*photo credit

I’m A Christian, Is That Okay?

So I thought to myself would the people on this website reject me when they see in my profile that I’m a Christian? Would they question my “spirituality” because they assume I have hardened, right-winged politics?

 

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I’m kind of a hippie/hipster. I love yoga, indie music, loving people, and anything that has to do with freedom. And so I frequent websites and web mags that cater to this audience. I tumbled across a dating/community website for the “hippie” community and it intrigued me. The about me page stated:

Imagine a place where you can feel confident knowing you’re amongst your tribe and the odds of finding love are much higher because you’re surrounded by people who share the same values and lifestyle as you—a place full of positivity, inspiration, authenticity and people who naturally “get” you.

Sounds great right? Positivity, inspiration, and
authenticity. Yes, yes, yes, all of that is right up my alley.  There was also an ad box that said:

“Spiritual not religious”

Okay still good so far, I wouldn’t call myself religious. Religion is more so following rules just because that’s what you’re told to do. Rather I am in a relationship with God and He’s called me to live a certain way and I do it out of love and reverence for Him.

But here’s the thing Christians today are perceived as conservative, harsh, offensive and tell people they’re “going to hell.” So I thought to myself would the people on this website reject me when they see in my profile that I’m a Christian? Would they question my “spirituality” because they assume I have hardened, right-winged politics?

I had nearly made up in my mind that attempting to join this community would be mistake when a wise friend gave me a new perspective. They might make assumptions about me but I could be a light to them and show them God’s love in a new way. Thank God for wise counsel!

I haven’t joined just yet but I’m taking it under serious consideration now that my  anxieties have gone away. I wonder though, how many of my brothers and sisters in Christ have ever have these same fears? Have you ever felt afraid to reveal your faith because of potential backlash?
How do you feel about the image of Christians in media? Let’s talk.

 

*photo by Shelly Hoffman

How Deep Is Your Love?

The question is does he have a desire to know and please God? If not then there’s no point. It’s that simple and that complicated.

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It starts out a classic story, girl meets guy. He’s funny, he’s attractive, he’s put together all the things that the girl wants…well at least what she wants on a surface level. She gets to know him some, they have similar upbringings and hobbies. But then the guy drops a curse word with ease, he tells a dirty joke, he references sex with her as something coming soon and at that point the girl knows. He’s not a Christian, or at least not an “all in” one.

It’s something that has happens to all us single Christian girls at one point or another. Meeting a guy we “vibe” with but then we look deeper for that spiritual aspect and there’s nothing there. Now you have to tell the guy that nothing will be happening between you and hopefully you can remain at least friends. The guy will most likely not understand, to him it seems you had the beginnings of something great. He doesn’t get why his faith or lack there of is so important. But it is important, it’s everything.

It’s frustrating because its hard enough to find a guy who meets the first two levels so when you do it’s exciting, only to be let down by the missing third level.
I want to clarify though I’m not looking for a pastor or priest, he can be a normal guy with an average job. The question is does he have a desire to know and please God? If not then there’s no point. It’s that simple and that complicated.

I wrote this because it’s something that I have experienced a lot these last few years. I’ve met a lot of nice guys but none of them having that third aspect.
But what I have resolved to do is learn more about men from these encounters. They may not be Christian men but they are still men. I feel now I understand more the thought processes of men compared to women (they really are less complicated). And I’ve gotten a chance to really hone in on exactly what I like on the first two levels. So all this frustration wasn’t all for naught, now I’m more prepared for the that elusive “One”.

 

New Year, New Determination

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  “Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.” Isaiah 64:8

2015 was a year of molding for me. The great Potter put me on his wheel and formed me into something different than in years before.
I used to start my years with lofty goals and no plan or direction in which to make them a reality and God knew that. So he threw at me  a lot of things that would help me find my way to the path He intended. There were many tears but with every challenge came a new strength, a lesson learned, and a fear defeated.

There will be more molding in 2016 as I face new challenges. I intend to transfer to a 4 year university this year, become more dedicated in my yoga practice, be more dedicated to this blog, save more money and pay off my credit cards. That’s kind of a lot but I’m getting off to a good start, today I bought the domain to this blog and I started my “21 yoga classes in a month” challenge.

So bring it 2016, come hell or high water I will be okay. My God is with me, I am not afraid.

Poetry 101: Beloved

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All those things I wrote, I wrote for you. Because for a reason I may never fully understand, I adore you. And because I could see that you didn’t really think you were worthy of someone truly loving you and you are.
I just wanted to be someone who didn’t need anything from you, but gave to you.
I wanted to be your best friend.
I wanted you to live for something more, something real.
I wanted to peer inside your soul.
And so in case I never get the chance to tell you, I want you to know that you are worthy, you are a gem and I love you.

Poetry 101: Seconds

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I don’t know how many times we passed each other, seeing each other but not really seeing each other. Or how many times we exchanged generic greetings. A meaningless “How are you?” or “Take Care.”  Then one day for some reason you smiled at me, a true genuine smile. And in that second I saw you, really saw you, as if I was seeing you for the first time.

Life hasn’t been the same since.

I Love Him, But…

Though I don’t know you I miss you. And though I’ve never met you I long to see you. I don’t know when I’ll see you, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few years.
For so long I’ve tried to make others fit into a place where only you belong. What can I say? A girl gets lonely, and then she starts to wonder if you exist. Coming home to an empty house gets difficult and Mr. Right Now is just a text message away.
I’m just ready to finally be with someone where there are no barriers. I’m not hiding behind fear, or mystery. The connection is true and without conditions, no more “I love him, but…”


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